On 2018 I’ll be 25 years old and I want to give myself a gift.

(Originally written: September 9, 2017)

(Disclaimer: Whatever written in this post are my opinion and my truths and not meant to offend anyone. And not to bully and judge anyone. This is my story, if you’re not open-minded to thoughts of anyone please stop reading right now.)

I am always having a hard time losing body fat. Always defeated by the temptation to eat indulging food that is more than the required amount to eat daily. And always craving for something. Foods that are my best friend in times that I am in the zone. When I am just laying on my bed, I kept on thinking about food. At the office, when I am sleepy  I’ll go to the nearest mini stop to buy food. And since I am already working I have the means of buying foods. And that does not help me lose body fat since I am not using it in the right way.

(Maybe you wonder why I use the term losing fat and Lean. Yes, I want to lose my fats losing weight is just losing number on my weight, not the fats itself. Lean means having a proportion body muscles that go with my height and my body structure.)

I am tired of people telling me that I look prettier way back when I was lean. That I will be able more things if I am leaner. And every time they meet me the greeting always is “oh! Tumaba kana? Anong nangyari?” or “halah! Nitambok naka na-stress ka?” and oh the classic “Buntis ka?”. It is annoying and very rude of people to say those things first then saying “Uy! Kumusta ka na?” is it that hard to say first?. I clearly know my flaws, I woke up every day seeing my body like this.

And Having a hard time choosing a dress to wear daily. I am already losing my confident day by day and hearing those things is like a black hole. Once I’m in the zone of eating those bullshits, I  am already having a hard time to gain again my confidence. Why can’t you just look at a person as what she is? Haven’t you heard of “Physical isn’t everything?”

This May 2018 I am getting another year of awesomeness. I’ll be 25 years old. That is a quarter of a century, isn’t that great? Well, I found that an amazing moment.

Every year I make sure I did something memorable. On my 21st birthday graduated college and leave home to put myself out there, took the board exam and failed. The next year, I became a regular(status) employee of a corporate company, first travel with friends in Pangasinan, and had my first solo travel alone to celebrate my 2016 new year. Then a year after, I was able to run half marathon and climb my first mountain, Mt. Pico de Loro and fell in love with it, my first ever outreach activity with friends in the rural of Baler, celebrate Christmas with my best friend in a campsite beside the beach, and climbed more mountains. And on my 24th I was promoted to accounting officer, first travel with relatives in Baguio, climb another mountain and more 2017 isn’t done yet. I still have a quarter of 2017 to enjoy.

So in my 25th, I want to make it memorable too. I want to give myself the confidence and love it deserves.

May 2018 I want to be able to wear two bikinis. I haven’t worn one in my life. So it will be very nice if I can. And It is summer. I love the beach but I haven’t enjoyed it as much because of my insecurities. So I opt mountains, clever right? I don’t have to wear body-hugging clothes to enjoy it. I’ll slip on a comfortable shirt and a baggy pants to freely move around and a pair of hiking shoes. And that’s it.

So I’ll try to lose body fat the best I can. I will have setbacks and fails some temptation along the way but I won’t give up this time. And please don’t judge me that I am doing this not to pleased the people who are telling me bullshits. I am doing this for myself. I am giving myself the chance to do things without the limitation of my body. Yes, I am still capable of wearing two pieces in my current body. But I am afraid that if I do it, I’ll be frustrated with the output. I will use that fear to persevere.

Shella is a corporate employee who is also a solo traveller. Her goal is to travel long term without giving up my career goal. She loves culture and food. And also she has a lot of goals in life, this blog will be her way of documenting her journey.